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Basking Shark

BASKING SHARK (Cetorhinus maximus)


Basking sharks are basically big whales, if whales were actually fish. Like every living human on this earth with a lick of sense, I love sharks, but I'll be honest with you, I'm real tired right now. So this is going to be a very special zoological review where instead of pitting some unsuspecting animal against my unrelenting scrutiny, I'm going to pit my exhaustion against my excitement to talk about sharks. Let's see what comes out on top.

Appearance

Basking sharks are really big and have giganto mouths that inspire google search prompts like "can a basking shark eat a human?" The short answer to that question is "no," and I'll get into why they have such big mouths that they don't use for eating big stuff in a bit.

They are the second largest shark species, and also the second largest fish in the sea, both by length and by weight. Being the second biggest anything is kind of like being the second man on…

Saltwater Crocodiles

SALTWATER CROCODILE (Crocodylus porosus)

Crocodiles are big, scaly animals that live in the warm parts of the world and can eat just about anything. Saltwater crocodiles are like regular crocodiles only bigger, hungrier, and arguably more impressive.

Appearance

Saltwater crocodiles are not only the largest living crocodilians, but also the largest living diapsids by weight (diapsids are a group that also includes lizards, snakes, turtles, and birds). While not as long as the reticulated python or as adorable as the spectacled caiman, they make up for length and cuteness with mass, topping out at around 1200 kg (~2600 lbs for my friends south of the border). For reference, if you've ever seen a cow and thought "damn, that's a big animal", you should know that the biggest bulls are only around 1100 kg, and also that crocodiles eat cows, so fuck you. They also have bony plates on their body called gastralia and point spiky bits on their tails which remind me of the humbl…

Killer Whale

KILLER WHALE (Orcinus orca)
This one is going to be a little more biased than usual because the killer whale was my favourite animal up until I was six and some asshole kid at school told me they were "stupid", crushing my self-esteem and love of Free Willy in one fell swoop. After that, my favourite animal for a long time was grey wolves, the killer whales of the land. But, deep down, I still harbour a special place in my heart for these big glorified dolphins.

Appearance

Killer whales are known for their distinctive and cool black and white look. Nobody says it, but in a lot of ways they really rock the goth aesthetic. Orcas from different parts of the world can be differentiated by their colour pattern, and humans can recognize individuals within groups by their unique markings. That's pretty neat!

They're also big fucking animals. For some reason, probably because most people's experience of orcas, no matter how removed, is captive animals, they seem less dang…