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European Stag Beetle

 EUROPEAN STAG BEETLE ( Lucanus cervus ) Modified from wikipedia Original image by Simon A. Eugster Stag beetles are a whole group of insects with big fuck-off horns on their face. I'm gonna talk about the best-known species, Lucanus cervus , whose name means "Lucanian deer", and is sort of condescending to the literal deer that presumably live in Lucania. Appearance Stag beetles exhibit sexual dimorphism, which means the females look physically different from the males. Female stag beetles look pretty much like your average beetle - that is to say, pretty and shiny, but don't make you say "woah, what the hell is that thing???" The male stag beetle (pictured), on the other hand, looks absolutely ridiculous. Like, what do you have going on there, buddy? Pinchers? For pinching? Who are you going to pinch with those? What look like pinchers are actually grotesquely oversized mandibles - the part of the insect used for grabbing and breaking up food. They need re
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Pointy-Nosed Blue Chimaera

POINTY-NOSED BLUE CHIMAERA ( Hydrolagus trolli ) Image modified from Wikipedia. Original image copyright Citron. Since it is Halloween month, I'm going to write about chimaeras, AKA "ghost sharks", so-called because they look really pale and creepy. There's not really anything else seasonally appropriate about them but whatever, ghost sharks. They're also sometimes called "ratfish", and individual species often have stupid common names like "rabbit fish" or "elephant fish". Nevermind that. Ghost sharks. OOOOOOoooOOOoooOOOOOO. Since one of the common names for "pointy-nosed blue chimaera" is apparently the much more frightening "abyssal ghostshark", that's what I'll be calling them for the rest of this review. Appearance Chimaeras are named after a monster in Greek mythology that was half lion, half goat, half dragon, and 150% badass. Apparently whoever named these things (Linnaeus, I guess?) thought they lo
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Ankylosaurus

ANKYLOSAURUS MAGNIVENTIS Image modified from Wikipedia. Original image by Tim Evanson Dinosaurs! Like most children, I devoted a sizable portion of my brain activity between the ages of 6 (when Lost World: Jurassic Park  came out) and 10 (when the light finally died from my eyes) to thinking about dinosaurs. For whatever reason, Ankylosaurus  was not one of my favourites or even one of the dinosaurs I thought about a lot (probably because it was not prominently features in the Jurassic Park movies). How do I feel about them now? Let's find out. Appearance Ankylosaurus  was a heavily armuored, and heavily armed, motherfucker with plates on the back and sides, and a club-like tail. Their skulls were covered with small bones, and they had horns on both the top and bottom of the head because having only one pair of horns is for dorks. The knobs on their bodies, as well as their clubs, were made of bony protrusions called osteoderms, which, incidentally, are present on moder
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